dialogue sucks.”

“Ouch.”

“Your characters don’t talk like they are in the same project. It comes off stylized and lacks the color of the plot and the action. Ironically, it’s actually great dialogue, it just doesn’t belong in this script, but it’s fixable.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Hmmmm…” Ian scratched his head, “how do I put this?”

“Just keep talking and we’ll figure it out.” Jenson was intrigued and encouraging. Ian liked that.

“The words don’t roll off the tongue as easily as they should for the characters. Some of it can be fixed by editing, just paring some of it down. You have created a great canvas, with small vibrant strokes, but the dialogue is sometimes over detailed.”

“I see.” Ian got that he did.

“Have you heard the dialogue read out loud, somewhere besides your own head?”

“Huh?”

“I know when I write I hear everything and sometimes read it out loud to myself, but that doesn’t necessarily ring true. Have you had someone read the script to you, like a play reading?”

“No. I just bang away at the keyboard and write down what I hear in my head.”

“Common, not a mistake, but sometimes harmful to a script writer whose never had his work produced before. I am assuming that this serves as a pilot. The characters are rich and ripe for further adventures.”

“Of course, but I think the one script stands alone.”

“Jenson, I want you to look at this again, and bring it back to me. Take it and just get a couple of people to read it out loud--cold, no one who has seen it before. You’ll be able to hear what I am talking about and decide how you want to fix it.”

“Oh, okay.” He sensed disappointment, obviously in Jenson’s head this scene ended in happily ever after.

“But I want you to bring this back to me, no one else, and I am willing to pay, not a lot, to ensure that that happens…”

Jenson brightened up, “Thank you, we can do that…”

“But there’s a catch….”

“A catch?”

“I want to see the rest.”

“Well, I do have some other ideas for the series. A few episode break downs, and…”

“That’s not what I mean…”

“You don’t think that this has series potential then?”

“Oh I didn’t say that…Jenson, let’s be honest. This script reeks of someone who has been writing all their life. It also smacks of something that person threw together, heaping it with guns, car chases and sex to get it noticed and make it sellable. It stinks of sell out. I want to see the real stuff.”

Jenson slowly sat backup and blinked. Ian thought for a moment that he’s been wrong about what he read. It wouldn’t be the first time. He took a last shot at getting what he really wanted. “Trust me, Jenson. I know that’s not easy in this town.”

Jenson nodded his head and scratched that goatee again. “When?”

“Whatever you got and I mean whatever, as soon as you can. If it’s anything like I think this is…” Ian’s gut was screaming and he made a rash decision he hoped he wouldn’t be sorry for. “Fuck it Jenson. Let’s just take a chance