myself believe him.

“I think you’ve done what you need to here,” James whispers to me. “It’s really cold out today; why don’t we go back to my apartment and I can make us some warm green tea?” I can’t let myself be with James, but at the same time I know that I will fall apart without him.

“Okay,” I answer briefly, my voice quavering from the winter chill.

We go back to his apartment and I sit on the sofa while he makes us green tea in the kitchen. A sense of warmth settles into my bones as I loosen up and get comfortable in this familiar and inviting room. Being here makes me feel like being at home, in my proper place.

He sits down on the sofa and drinks the tea with me. My insides warm up almost instantly, and it feels like a dying ember is being rekindled in chest.

After some time passes, James places his hand over mine, looks me straight in the eyes, and tells me in a caring voice, “You know I’ve been really worried about you this whole time. I kept calling and calling but you would never answer. I was afraid you did something stupid to yourself. I’m really glad to know that you’re okay. It’s such a relief. I even tried calling your parents, but they wanted nothing to do with me. After a while I just had to try to make myself forget you, even though I never did.”

I let James hold me and I cuddle with him on the couch for an immeasurable amount of time. The whole time I feel like I’m wrapped in a nurturing cocoon in his arms. For the first time since John’s death, I finally feel like there is a break in the clouds, like the pieces of my life are fitting back together rather than splitting apart. That warm feeling within me begins to glow brighter and brighter.

After a while, James lifts up my head, holds my chin in his hand, and brings his delicate lips to mine. The warm sensation inside of me moves up to my mouth and together we become one flesh. I run my fingers through his long, honey brown hair and press our lips tighter together. I realize, at this moment while we express our affection for each other, that I love him. I have always loved him. I now know that I had pushed him so far away because I had not wanted to hurt him, I had not wanted him to see me in such a depressed state after John died. The burning ember inside of me is actually the love I feel for James, it is the reconnection of two lost souls.

For the first time since I can remember, I start to feel my libido kicking back in. I had had no thoughts of sex before tonight, but my love for James and his nurturing touch is driving me to share a purely intimate night with him, to reestablish the bond that I had broken.

With these thoughts in mind, I reach under his shirt and begin to massage his chest and stomach with my hand. We continue kissing, but he now places his hand on my knee and caresses it. The soft light of