08/31/06
Associated Press

Los Angeles – Moses P. Meriweather – known to most of his beloved fans as ‘Manchild Meriweather Memphis, The Greatest in all the Land’ – passed away early yesterday morning at his northern California estate.

Meriweather was stricken down before his time when the housing of his submersible 2.4 horse-power anal vibrator became lodged in the intake jet of his outdoor, phallus-shaped jacuzzi. When attempting to shimmy free the overpowered sexual-stimulating device, Meriweather lost his balance and fell backward into the hot tub, striking his head against the jutting interior edge of the spa that formed where the ‘head’ of the phallus receded back toward the ‘shaft’. Walter Hipjonesing, 28, of Fresno, California, spotted Meriweather face down in the jacuzzi from the second story balcony of Meriweather’s pool house, which was situated adjacent to the scene of the accident.

“All I could think was, Oh dear god, Manchild’s done gone and electrocuted himself with that goddamned vibrator again,” stated Hipjonesing, when reached for comment.

L.A. county coroners determined the actual cause of death came when Hipjonesing mistakenly attempted CPR despite the very obvious headwound still gushing blood all over Meriweather’s rear patio, which was exquisitely inlaid with a tile mosaic of Freddie Mercury. Hipjonesing’s overpowered chest compressions shattered six of Merweather’s ribs, puncturing both lungs and leading to his ultimate asphyxiation.

Hipjonesing, who had taken up residence in Meriweather’s poolhouse after the two became romantically involved earlier this year during the filming of ‘Pop, pop, jizz, jizz, Oh What a Relief it is – a Tale of Passion and Woe’, was cleared of any wrong-doing by local authorities. He is, however, being brought up on charges by the L.A. District Attorney for substance abuse based on the inordinate amount of PCP found in his system at the time of the accident. “I guess I… I just… I just don’t know my own strength,” a visibly distraught Hipjonesing commented when told that he had inadvertently murdered his lover and mentor.

Meriweather achieved notoriety and fame in the 1970s as a prominent, gay, adult film-to-Broadway crossover actor. Starring in such blockbuster hits throughout his career as ‘No! Not in my eye!’, ‘Buttercups the Belly Buster’, and ‘Stop or My Cock Will Shoot’, Meriweather also headlined several productions of the Broadway classics ‘Cats’, ‘Les Miserables’, and, more recently, ‘Rent’.

When reached for comment, former ‘Firm Black Asses Number 43’ costar Paisley Quidjet Johnson, III, had this to seemingly endlessly and nearly incoherently stammer on about:

“Manchild was a kind and gentle man. A kind and gentle man who never hurt a soul on God’s green earth. He might have rubbed raw an asshole or two, but he sure as shit never hurt nobody. I remember this one time, Manchild was supposed to be shooting a scene where Matt Ramsey was gonna come in his mouth, and he was all like, ‘Oh, Paisley, you gotta watch this.’ So anyway, Matt’s behind Manchild, just really working his ass over good and Manchild starts screaming, ‘Cum in my eyes, cum in my eyes, blind me with your man-paste. Make a blind prophet out of me. Make me a soothsayer! I’ll tell you your fate. I’ll tell you all your futures. Your gonna die terrible deaths before your times! You’re gonna get run over by a Lays Potato Chips truck on the way home from the set today! I’ll change my name to Tiberius Meriweather Memphis, the Greatest Seer in all the Land, and start wearing sandles…’