I hate math. It was totally my worst subject all through high school. Plus, being on the gymnastics team didn’t leave a lot of time for studying. I still don’t know how I totally squeaked by. Now that I’m in college, no one cares about my awesome athletic skills. Did I mention that I was state champion two years in a row? Math totally sucks.

I’ve taken college algebra twice already and totally hit the dirt both times. It’s “required” according to my lame advisor. Man, that is so not fair. When I finish my four years I am never going to use math again, that is a fact. When my parents got wind of my math ‘prowess’ they really got all steamed. They’re all like, “you need a tutor” and shit. Crap, now I have to report to some lame-ass math geek in addition to my regular classes. I’m like, “well, OK then”. That is totally not fair. I’m just bad with numbers; case closed, I say.

Long story short, I find this math dude online who lives close to campus. I already know the building he lives in; some old lofts, or something. It’s next to this pizza place I call for deliveries when me and my dorm-mate, Hal, get the munchies. Hal is cool and he is totally on-board with me about that whole math ‘issue’. “You shouldn’t have to take classes outside your realm of expertise”, Hal says to me. You see how he talks all smart and stuff? He is so cool. “Besides” Hal says, “this is the time in your life when you should be having fun”. I think that is in the Bible or something, so it must be right.

Anyhoo, I call the math nerd and he’s all like “be at my place at six-thirty tonight and you better be ready for your lesson”. What’s up wit’ that? My dad is paying this dude and now he’s totally calling the shots! That is so not fair. I’m all like “whatever, dude”. Does he think I’m his slave or something?

Again, long story short, I mosey myself over to his apartment building just past six-thirty. Intentionally. Let him wait, I say. After all, my parents are shelling out the big dough for college plus this “tutor” and he should be grateful. I waited until after my regular work-out at the university gym and didn’t bother to change out of my nylon shorts and tank top. My totally favorite shorts, I should mention. I didn’t even bother to shower. He should be totally intimidated by my awesome physique. Well, that’s my thinking. I take the elevator up to his floor. Man, this place is a maze or something. They should totally give you a map or something in the lobby. Did I mention that I am not good with numbers? Well, long story short, I find his door and knock.

Shit! This dude is not what I was expecting. He opens the door and I’m staring at his navel, or something. This monster is HUGE! Plus, he’s not dressed like any math geek I’ve seen. He’s got on a totally tight pair of jeans and this sleeveless t-shit that says “on your knees bitch”. What’s up wit’ that?